5: Competition

I am trying not to be competitive.

Scrolling: Jakatta - American Dream (Afterlife Remix)

I am where I am because of the humans around me. It started in kindergarten. The comparisons. Jill got a better grade than me. So I had to skip soccer and study. Although I didn't want to. What would've happened if I hadn't? Nothing really.

It continued in college and grad school. In academics and extra-curriculars. In clothes, in beerpong. I try to find utility in my actions but I think subconsciously it is about competition with other humans.

Applying to business school is different. None of my friends/acquaintances/relatives/neighbors/bosses is applying to business school. So, for a while I didn't have any competition. I did well without it, surprisingly. GMAT, essays, all went well. Then I slacked off. I barked that I am unsure of my goals and motivations. Maybe I was just being an escapist.

I started reading blogs and discussions. The power of the internet. This was more competition than I had ever been exposed to. The whole world. The irony is that I have always thought of the world as a really small place, a ball among so many other balls.

I think competition will get me into business school. I will read about people submitting applications in Round 1, so I will too. I will read about people microdermabrazing their essays, so I will too.

Maybe not. I don't feel like being a part of this rat race. I've been trying to work on my next application for more than a week but haven't moved a molecule. I'll stop running, or stop trying to run and just drink Coca Cola. I'll continue the rat race tomorrow. Or maybe on Monday. I have to run.